Alive in His light forevermore

So many of you probably saw my pictures from L.A style fashion week and probably had no idea what I was doing there or why I was even there. So  I am going to tell you exactly why I was there and what I was doing there. As most of you know I am a missionary through Youth With a Mission (YWAM) a non-profit organization.  In YWAM there are a lot of different ministries that people do. Recently I have been in the process of starting to work with two new ministries Calling all Skaters (CAS) and Beauty Arise (BA). CAS is a ministry focusing on equipping skaters from all over the world to teach the gospel and share the love of Christ with other skaters. BA is a ministry focused mainly on people in the entertainment industry but really desires to help people find their identity in Christ. Jessica Hover the founder of BA is also the director at Models For Christ (MFC) another non-profit organization. So through Jess I have been able to start attending MFC. MFC is open for any person in the entertainment industry such as models, designers, directors, etc and is a place where they can come and be encouraged in their walk with Christ. MFC and BA combined do outreaches to fashion weeks in both New York and Los Angeles. So that is how I was able to go to Los Angeles fashion week.

Now your probably wondering what we exactly did at fashion week. First off by the grace of God we are called back every time fashion week takes place. We are invited to both the New York fashion weeks and L.A. fashion weeks. So a team of girls go to these fashion weeks and we really just want to show God’s love with as many people as we possibly can. Covered in prayer we go to our venue and prepare for each fashion show. Our day starts of with prayer then we go to help set up all of the fashion shows. We may be helping designers set up their lines, setting up chairs, finding specific people, checking people in, lining up models for rehearsal, organizing backstage, etc. There are lots of random little things that make up our afternoons. We do everything we are asked to and do it in love no matter how stressful the situation might be. We try to pray for anyone we come in contact with if we have the opportunity. Fashion week can be very stressful for the designers, directors, models, dancers, etc. So we really want to make them feel loved and lower the stress level the best we can by being calm and trusting the Lord to help us. When everything is set up and ready to go it is time to start the shows! We are also all dressers. What being a dresser means is that we are assigned different models for different shows and we are in charge of making sure they are in the correct outfits and the right time. When the shows are going many models have more than one outfit and so we need to quickly change them into their other clothes and get them back on the runway. We try to pray with all of our models that we dress and encourage them that they are going to do great. Just like any other person they get scared sometimes that they are going to screw up or do something wrong. So we really want to encourage them that they are going to do perfect, tell them we are praying for them, and actually pray for them. Once the shows are done we help the designers pack everything up and our day is then over with. They are really busy days and we go from about 12pm to 12am working as hard as we can. It really is such a great experience and we are so excited to be able to go every time. 

I had such a great experience at my first fashion week and am so excited to be going to New York in September but I wanted to share with you some of my experiences at the L.A. Fashion Week. I was honestly really nervous going into it my first time. I was afraid I wouldn’t be fast enough at dressing or that I would screw up on something. I was also afraid that I would be so stressed that I wouldn’t represent God’s love to all of the people there. The first two days for me were really hard. I was discouraged because I hadn’t be able to pray with anyone. I had done ok with doing everything I needed to do but I want to see God moving in peoples lives and I was just so angry that I hadn’t prayed with anyone or encouraged anyone. So going into my third day I was praying that God would really help me to show his love to everyone around me. I asked God to put people in my path that I could pray for and encourage. I just really wanted to show God’s love to every single person there. That day was by far my favorite day out of the week. Some how I was so encouraged that God was going to use me in great ways that day. I knew he had this amazing plan. Most of the day I was able to encourage ever single person I came in contact with and at least tell designers and models that I would be praying for them. Then later that night when the shows were about to start I was really getting so encourage by all that God was doing. I had two models that night. My first model was a Swiss man named Thomas. There seemed like there was just no opportunity to pray for him.  I was actually getting frustrated because at this point I still hadn’t prayed with a single person all week. I immediately prayed and said, “God, if you want me to pray with Thomas then you need to present some way for me to do that. I really want to be able to encourage him and pray with him.” Then randomly out of know where Thomas was over by his rack all alone doing nothing at all. Immediately I knew this was my opportunity. I went over and noticed he had an accent and asked him where he was from which he told me switzerland which opened a whole door of conversation because one of my roommates is from switzerland. I was so relieved that it wasn’t awkward conversation. Then before he had to go on stage I was able to pray with him and talk to him about God which was so amazing. I was able to encourage him and this started this fire in me and I knew that the rest of the night God was going to do amazing things. Five minutes after that I noticed this dancer that had just gotten make-up on that was making her eyes water like crazy and could just tell she was really nervous about going on stage and dancing. I was able to pray with her and encourage her and while praying for her another girl joined and was so excited that I was praying for them. I was so exited too! The shows hadn’t even started and God was already doing so much. There first show went and was a success and then we got ready for the next show. The next show was the celebrity go-red show which meant that every person in the show was a celebrity and it was a pretty big show. Earlier we had gotten our models for that show and I ended up getting Kiara Belen from America’s Next Top Model, a show I was really familiar with. I knew exactly who she was and was excited to see how God would use me in this show. As soon as I saw her come back stage I knew it was the perfect time to introduce myself. I went up to her and told her I would be her dresser and then ended up asking her if I could pray for her. She was SO excited! She told me of course I could pray for her so I did and at the same time a very important man who was in charge was coming up to her to take her to where she needed to go. I started praying and he nearly interrupted until he realized I was praying and he stopped and stepped away for me to finish. After I prayed she was so excited and told that was the nicest thing anyone had done for her all day and immediately the man came back and started apologizing to me for almost interrupting which is insane because I should have been apologizing for taking up both of their time when Kiara needed to be somewhere else. My mind was just blown that such important people were apologizing to me for interrupting a prayer. Later after that I was able to encourage Kiara that she was going to do great and then the show started and was a success. I really wanted to invite Kiara to MFC but wasn’t even sure if I would see her again because after the show the celebrities went out to the red carpet to show off the dresses. I was a little bummed but knew God still had more for me and was ready for it. After the show I was sitting waiting for a job and this man and his wife were looking over at us dressers smiling and I was like ok this is a little weird. Then I noticed they where smiling at me and summoned me over to them. I went over a little nervous but less nervous because they were smiling. Then man then tells me he saw me praying with KIara and was blown away. He was so amazed that I had been praying with her backstage and even had the courage to do that. He ended up being a Christian make-up artist and I was able to talk about MFC with him and he gave me his card because he does a lot of fashion shows and told me to contact him. It was so cool just how praying with Kiara let to me meeting with someone else. Then after that they needed people to take dresses back up to the bridal suit so I volunteered to do that and when I got upstairs to my surprise Kiara was up there and could not find the dress she has come in. It was the perfect timing. I was able to tell her about MFC and invite her to it and just talk with her. I helped her find her dress and then actually changed her back into that one. Then after that another one of our girls was talking with her and she was so excited about meeting us that she invited us to her birthday party. We were invited to our first celebrity birthday party only by the grace of God did we get invited. My mind was blown. That night after everything was done I was just so encouraged by seeing how much God was doing backstage because not only did I have these cool stories but every girl that went had cool stories. After the week finished Saturday night we were able to attend Kiara’s Birthday Party which was amazing. We were able to exchange numbers with people who could invite us to other fashion weeks. We were able to invite more models to MFC and just share God’s love with people even at a birthday party where we knew no one. I was amazed that it wasn’t awkward rather it was like we fit right in. God wanted us at that birthday party and he had such amazing plans for us. By the time everything was done and over with I was just in awe of God. I am a missionary at YWAM L.A. and God opened door after door after door that led us to be able to go to a celebrity birthday party? I mean how cool is He!?!? I am so excited to go to more fashion weeks this year and can’t wait to see how God moves again. God is so good all the time. 

Chris was one of my first models. He is a competitor on America’s Next Top Model right now. Vote for him!

This girl was so much fun to dress! I hope I get to see her again next time!

Kiara’s two dresses were beautiful. She is a pretty amazing girl herself.

So glad to have met this beauty last year and am excited to get to know her better! <3

This was my favorite show of the week! The designer was Michael Cinco. 

We had a great time at Kiara’s party! 

As we sat in class on Wednesday morning and Ylva started to teach Habakkuk my heart started to wrench inside of me. All of a sudden I was so uncomfortable and really just wanted to leave class and go find a place I could be completely alone. Not my normal reaction to most lessons but this one was different. Habakkuk is seeing so much suffering going on and he is seeing so much injustice.  He is crying out to the Lord asking him why all of these things are happening. He doesn’t understand. He knows the Lord is in control but doesn’t understand the Lord’s character in everything. So referring to this Ylva shares a story about a kid she grew up with. She spent so much time with him growing up. Then one day this kid got in an accident, the doctors gave up on him eventually, and he died. So much injustice when this kid loved the Lord so much. He was always happy and glowing with the Holy Spirit doing so much in him. Then one day he dies. Just like that gone. Then the questions start coming. Why Lord? Is this you? Aren’t you in control? Is this Satan? Is this your plan, God?  What’s going on? I don’t understand.  These are the questions I was asking myself this past August. See I can relate to Habakkuk on such a deep level because like the injustice that he saw I saw injustice that I didn’t understand.

This past summer my best friend was murdered. To this second I don’t understand it. She loved the Lord with all of her heart, soul, mind, and strength. She painted, danced, and sang for the Lord. She gave her everything just to serve people and make them happy. She spent every free second of her life following the Lord’s leading for her life. Every second. Then August 14, 2012 just like that she was gone…

So as soon as I heard the topic of Habakkuk, as soon as I put the pieces together and realized it was no different than my situation my heart started to ache so much. Holding back the tears I was trying to decide if I was going to listen the rest of class or ignore it all, not wanting to deal with the pain that I still feel. It’s a constant battle for me. Trying to deal with the weight of this pain in different stages at different times. I understand that the Lord did end up answering Habakkuk. He did end up telling him his plans and what was happening and Habakkuk praised him. For me I still feel like I don’t have my answers quite yet. This is the first time that I have ever had my faith tested. For the first time I’ve felt like I’m stuck in a cycle trying to figure out everything and being so confused and not understanding.

Then I came upon an article regarding a song I know. The song is Olivianna by JJ Heller. If you don’t know the song it’s a about a woman who carried a baby for 23 weeks and then found out that her baby would not live more than a few minutes once she was born. So she carried her the full term had her and eleven minutes later the baby girl died. Through all of this she sought the Lord so much and fought to remain with him and let him heal her and guide her through the time of pain. However just because she sought healing from the Lord didn’t mean that she wasn’t jealous of her friends who had babies or even other people. It didn’t mean that she wasn’t sad when she walked into a mall and saw a baby store or anything like that. She was in pain and it was ok for her to feel those emotions as she was going through healing.

I realize I feel so guilty having feelings like that. When I see two best friends together and see the relationship they have sometimes I get so jealous and also so sad. Because I miss my best friend and I miss being able to be with her, and tell her I love her, and just laugh with her. I miss being able to go to her and tell her all the things God is doing in my life but also miss being able to go to her in the hard times too.

So I guess this week I am learning that I am going to feel sad and maybe sometimes I am going to feel jealous but it is all part of the healing process that I am going through. It’s all part of God’s plan. I am still faced with so many questions but more and more I am understand that it’s ok for me to feel hurt. It’s ok for me to cry and it’s ok for me to go through these different phases of healing. Also that it’s ok for me to talk about my pain with others. For so long I have believed that it is selfish to tell people my problems. I have kept everything to myself not wanting anyone to run away when I tell them all the hurts I have. The Lord is teaching me so much and I may not be to the point where I fully understand yet but he is doing so much healing in my heart and in relationships. He’s teaching me what relationships are really about and how they really work.  I’ve believed so many lies about who I am and just about the relationships I’ve been in and now he is uprooting all of the lies and replacing them with truth. He is uprooting all of the hurt, from not just now, but even in my past and he is replacing it with His love.

So through Habakkuk he is giving me hope that some day I will understand even just a little bit more and I will be able to praise him for that. However I know that right now I am on a ride of healing deeper than all of the injustices I have seen. Right now I am crying out to him and he is there. He can’t answer everything yet but he is starting the process. He is bringing me back to a place of trust and faith. Before anything else he wants to restore the relationship between him and me and then heal other areas.

So I guess my application in all of this is to let myself feel hurt and to let that bring me healing, to open up to others and know that the Lord is going to be with me every step of the way, to know that he is going to protect me from the evil of this world and from more hurts.  So in those moments I feel sad or in those moments I feel jealous or whatever emotion there is I want to pray to the Lord for peace. To pray that in that moment he would bring me more healing. That in that moment I wouldn’t dwell in the jealousy or depression rather I would seek the Lord to heal the hurt in me that is causing those emotions. I want to think positive in those moments and eventually maybe that will lead me back to a place where the pain isn’t as intense. I want the Lord to be my strength in all of this and I want to be week for once so that he can heal me. Also I just want to take more free time to sit in the Lord’s presence and to let him speak to me. To let him do healing not just in those moments of pain but healing every second of the day and in specific quiet times devoted to letting him bring me healing. I just want to soak in his presence. I want to let him go as deep as he needs to heal me from all the hurts I’ve been through and I want to make this something I do forever not just now. I want to let the Lord really change my heart through this process of healing and just through this situation. In the end I want to be able to use it as a testimony to others. I want to be that person that can relate to the pain but also that person that can bring light and hope into someone’s hopeless situation. I want to be able to encourage someone who is seeking the Lord with all their heart for answers. I hope that someday I will be healed completely but for now I know I still have a lot to go through and know that I am going to grow so much over the next couple years because of this. I have hope I just have to keep fighting for it. I have to keep fighting the constant battle we are in with darkness. Light and love always wins though so I guess I have a head start.

I keep telling myself that this can’t be real.  This isn’t happening.  Not to me. Not to her. She’s just playing a joke. Right? She’ll come out of hiding in a couple days. It will be another one of her crazy adventures. She wanted to see if she could fake her death. That’s all.  Right? Please?

When I met dear Amyjane I instantly thought what a crazy girl! I had no idea what to think of her. Then when I got to know her I realized she was nothing like anyone I had ever met. There are hardly words to describe who she was. Her laugh was so free.  Her breath so full of life.  Her spirit unlike any other.  She didn’t have a care in the world.  Her only goal was to serve her Lord and Savior.  Every second she was allowed she spent with her creator.  She was always happy.  Always full of life.  

She was a painter.  Not your average painter.  See when anything came to her mind she immediately had to write or draw it somewhere.  She didn’t care if it was in a journal, on her homework, or on any inch of her body she could fit it she just had to make sure she remembered it.  She never painted in black and white cause well what would be the fun in that?  Colors everywhere! Her art varied and the time it took her also varied.  Sometimes she would redraw something over and over again till it was just perfect.  Sometimes she would keep adding more and more and more till it was just right.  Then sometimes she was satisfied with the simplest things.  No matter what she painted it always ended up beautiful when it was finished.

She was a dancer.  I had the opportunity to go on a mission trip with her and looking back at all the videos half of them are of her dancing.  Dancing in the streets.  Dancing in the dark.  Dancing in the grass.  Dancing in her room. Dancing everywhere. She didn’t dance because she knew a bunch of amazing dance moves.  She never danced to show off.  She didn’t dance because people asked her to.  She danced because she had feet. She danced because of the feeling of the wind blowing through her hair as she twirled around.  She danced because her brightly colored skirts would swirl and twirl with her. She danced because she loved the feeling of the grass between her toes.  She danced because it made her so very happy. 

She always looked for an opportunity to show God’s love to people. I remember in Delhi, India, Amyjane and I spent almost every single hour of every single day together.  Some of the things she did were so amazing to me.  Both of us had gotten really sick but it didn’t matter because as long as we could walk and talk we could still do ministry.  The very first night she was sick the next morning she got up like nothing was wrong all ready to go do ministry.  She just never quit.  Every second we had she would want to go play with the street kids.  So everyday we would do different things with them.  We would dance with them and let them play with our hair and almost everyday Amyjane would bring a pad of paper and some pens so that the kids could draw.  Those kids fell in love with Amyjane they would fall asleep in her lap and everytime they saw us they would run up and hug her screaming “Dee Dee! Dee Dee(Sister! Sister!)”  She loved on those kids so much.  Much of our outreach was like that.  She was always wanting to go out and do more and more ministry.  Nonstop love on everyone she possibly could.  

Another time on outreach it was actually our second week in Nepal Amyjane was our leader.  So she was in charge of our meetings and making decisions on what our group would do.  And she did an amazing job leading.  We held a kids camp for 3-11 year olds and we taught them on hearing God’s voice, intercession, and gifts of the Holy Spirit and that week was by far the best we had.  By the end of that week we had several kids come to Christ and several kids were physically healed!  She loved on those kids like she did in Dehli.  Reading to them, chasing them, tickling them.  I remember one time she would play dead and the kids would all pick her up and carry her around everywhere and try to wake her up and she would just go along with it even though they would drop her.  She did anything to make them happy.  She never said no and always went along with anything. God’s love just poured out of every single part of her.  

She was always looking for ways to be closer to God.  During our Discipleship Training School she probably spent at least 2/3 of her time in the prayer chapel. She was always planning weekend or night soaking sessions where everyone was invited to go up and “Blaze” with Jesus.  This meant painting, singing, worshipping, praying, drawing, writing, dancing doing anything and everything to praise and worship God.  On outreach she and I fasted a couple different times one time being a 24 hour fast and worship day.  So for 24 hours that is what we did.  That was probably one of my favorite nights I can remember with her.  We prayed and interceded for so many different things and we worshipped our hearts out to our Lord. We also decided to challenge ourselves to read the bible all the way through and in under a month we made it through almost all of the old testament.  It was so easy to be close with God when Amyjane was around because she never left His side. 

Amyjane ended up being the closest friend I’ve had in a long time.  We shared many memories together and I will never ever forget her.  I love her and miss her so much but I know she is happy where she is.  I just know she’s dancing and singing and painting her heart away with Daddy Jesus.  Amyjane, for now we are separated but someday I will see you again and I will hug you and kiss you and dance and sing with you! I can’t wait for that day! :) I love you Amyjane! 

“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” -Proverbs 31:25

So lately I have really been struggling with my self image.  A few years ago I struggled with an eating disorder and somedays am still affected by it.  Not a day goes by that the thought of not being skinny enough passes through my head. God has helped me out so much with this struggle but just because he helps me with it doesn’t mean that I won’t be tempted to act on the thoughts I have.  I’ve learned that the thoughts I have may never truly go away but that I have to make the choice to not act on them.  I have to choose to eat.  Choose to not step on the scale.  Choose to not go and throw everything up.  Lately the thoughts have just been non stop….

Then today as I was reading my devo for the day it was perfect to what I am going through.  It was talking about worry.  When we worry we are taking our focus off of God.  We are taking our eyes of of Him who is right next to us.  When we worry we are saying that we are in charge of are life and if that’s the case we should be worried. But when we put our trust in God we are saying he is in charge of our life and that we do not need to worry.  Ultimately worry is a from of unbelief.  

So I’ve been worrying that maybe I’m not skinny enough.  Worrying that I am going to end up like the rest of my family who are overweight and have diabetes.  Along with my devotion there was a verse that could not have been more perfect.

²² Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. ²³ For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. ²⁴ Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! ²⁵ Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life^[a]? ²⁶ Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

²⁷ “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ²⁸ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! ²⁹ And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. ³⁰ For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Fatherknows that you need them. ³¹ But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

-Luke 12:22-31

This was so uplifting to me.  I actually wasn’t aware that there was a verse like this until now.  Funny how God shows you things at just the right time.  But it encouraged me to not be worried about how I look, how skinny I am, or how much I weigh and to focus on him.  Focus on the fact that he is right next to me and that he will take care of me and do whatever needs to be done to help me get through this  struggle.  I’m not perfect.  Just another girl trying to stay on God’s path and share His love with the rest of the world.  I struggle and this is one of my many struggles.  But I want to encourage you to see past your struggle and to fight for Him.  Seek Him and get as close to Him as you can because he is the only real thing you will have when this life is over. 

READ THIS :)——->Hey everyone so some of you may know and others may have figured it out but I am a missionary through an organization called Youth With A Mission.  There is a school coming up which will be much like the school I attended this past year however it will have a twist on it.  It will be for people interested in sharing God’s word through skateboarding.  So it will be a Skating Discipleship Training School.  In this school you will study God’s word and learn more about who you are in him in the first three months and then the last three months you will travel to some where like east asia and practice everything you have learned and work with a skate ministry over there.  It will be a wonderful experience and you will learn a lot!  Now girls I know what your thinking! This is for guys only…NO! Your wrong skating isn’t only about guys think about it if you go to a skate park are there only guys there?  Nope boys have girlfriends.  So not only is there an opportunity for guys to reach out but also for you girls!  This DTS(Discipleship training school) will be this fall of 2012.  So if you know of any skaters or even someone who doesn’t skate maybe they just want to come and learn then either send them my way or send them to this website http://www.callingallskaters.org/ this is the website that will tell them a little more.  Curious about what a DTS even is? well check out this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSb0sDVl1ZU that should tell you everything that you need to know.  I did a DTS last fall and it was the best choice I have ever made.  It will change you in ways that you can not even imagine! Please Please Please check this out!